Ever since the age of 11 or 12 I have had issues with my body image. It started around the time I first got my period and my body started changing. My hips got bigger and I always viewed them as twice their actual size. I had “saddlebags” and I was very self-conscious. It didn’t help that I had an older sister who teased me and said I had a “triangle butt” (she grew out of that, and I love her to pieces now, so don’t go hating her).
If he thinks I’m sexy…
This poor body image followed me to college. I felt good when guys would admire my body or want to be intimate with me – too good. I had thoughts like “If he thinks I’m sexy, then I am worth something.” Strangely, it didn’t make me feel any better about my body. I was still self-conscious.
My semi-warped mind
This way of thinking made me place more importance on the physical aspect of a relationship than most women (I think). I’ve never thought of sex as a way to express love or show emotion. I have always looked at it as a physical act shared by two people. Even when I got married, I didn’t feel as if having sex brought us closer or connected us more emotionally – it just felt good and was a fun thing to do together. Plus, it meant he thought I was sexy and therefore (in my semi-warped mind) I was worth something.
Extreme or logical?
My husband understands my body image problems. He is a certified personal trainer (as a side gig) and he always works out! He tries to help me get in better shape and we like to workout together. A few years ago I talked to him about how I was very unhappy with the shape of my butt and hips. No matter how much diet and working out, this shape wouldn’t change, it would just get smaller. We talked about many things, but I decided I wanted liposuction. Was this extreme thinking, or logical thinking? Well, I am not going to second guess my thought process now.
I did a massive amount of research online and went to see a few different doctors. I settled on one who had amazing credentials and taught other plastic surgeons about liposuction. He was the one that was the most honest with me. He said that although liposuction would change my shape, it was not going to make me thin. He showed me where he would take out the fat and gave me realistic expectations.
So, I did it. I still can’t believe it, but I did it. It was a tough few weeks after the liposuction, but I am very happy with the results. My butt is no longer a triangle because I no longer have saddlebags.
It has been a couple of years since I had this done, and I’ll be honest… clothes fit me better and I do see that I look better, but I still struggle with placing too much self-worth on sex.
Was it worth it?
I think it was worth it. It is nice to not have to buy pants two sizes too big because they fit my hips and then have a HUGE gap at my waist. It is funny how we (or maybe it is just me) place such importance on the number that is our pant-size. I also don’t feel as self-conscious in a bathing suit.
Would I recommend that someone else have liposuction? I don’t know. I think that everyone is different and that each person would need to weigh (no pun intended) the pros and cons. However, I will let you know that it does not cure everything. Some problems are mental, not physical. Don’t expect liposuction to be your psychiatrist.
One day at a time
Recently I came across this pin on Pinterest and I laughed.
Boy do I wish I was as thin as I was in high school! Of course, I am happier with the shape of my body now – still working on the body image and placing too much importance on the physical aspect of our relationship – but taking it one day at a time.
Have you ever struggled with your body image?
Oh, by the way, in case you were wondering, those are not my hips in the photo 😉