While my husband and I were dating, he explained to me his theory (one of many) of the pillars of a relationship. He said that everyone has a list of things that they absolutely need or that they absolutely do not want in a relationship – deal breakers. These things are so important that if too many of these are missing the relationship will not hold up. This sounded logical to me. I asked him what his pillars are and (of course) he showed me a spreadsheet! There were 25 attributes on the list, but he said he felt that the first 4 were his pillars; the rest were not as important.
My hubby’s top 4 relationship pillars:
- No children
This was at the top of the list. Both my husband and I do not want children – for various reasons. He said that this was an important pillar to him. He had dated women who wanted children and women who already had children and these relationships always failed. He realized that this pillar was one that was going to limit the women he could be with since he thinks that 95% of women want children, or are on the fence.
- Teamwork and companionship
This was tied for first with “no children”. He wanted someone who worked with him as a member of a team. Someone who would support him and that he could support. He also wanted someone who was a companion and wasn’t just out for herself. This is a big part of our relationship. We always support each other, and my husband often says that we have each others backs.
- Makes him feel special
He wanted someone who appreciated him and was able to give him compliments. I was surprised about this one, as it didn’t seem like a stereotypical thing that a man would want in a relationship. When I thought about it, I realized how important this really is to me. If your partner can’t make you feel special or throws “digs” at you, then why should you expect it in return.
- Budget-minded and grounded
My husband found himself in debt in the past and worked very hard to get out of it. He didn’t want to get into a relationship with someone who operated in the red and would bring him back down. He also didn’t want someone who was too impulsive which could easily lead to a debt situation. I have always been great with my money, so we were a great fit in this way. I help him stay grounded in his spending.
I have to admit that I do not fit all of the remaining 21 items on the list. However, if you use my husband’s pillar theory, as long as I have the most important attributes, our relationship will hold up.
What attributes do you and your partner have that if they were taken away your relationship would crumble? What are your pillars?