When I first started dating my husband, we were going along in our new relationship fine. We were happy, we were laughing…and then we had an argument over who was funnier. This wasn’t your average argument. It actually turned into a very negative thing that almost caused us to breakup.
Ironic that our humor was what caused us to fight!
In any case, during this fight we kept score over who made more people laugh, and who got the most smiles when we were socially engaged. That ‘keeping score’ is what almost led to our breakup.
There are a few different reasons that keeping score is a bad thing to do in a relationship. But if you think about it, keeping score means you are competing with an ‘enemy’ of sorts. You want to win. You want to be the one who comes out feeling good, so you crush your opponent in the process. That doesn’t belong in a relationship!
Keeping score always ends in the same type of place – hurt feelings, bruised egos, resentment, and harsh words being said. Your partner should not be your enemy. Following are 3 different scenarios where keeping score comes into play.
No Room for Losers!
When you are playing to win, and nothing else, you are going to cause problems in your relationship – without a doubt. When you are trying to compete with your partner, like we were, on a level of “I either win or nothing! And if I lose I’m going to be very upset and sore about it!” then you will regret it later on in your relationship.
Nobody will ever be the winner in that situation because there will be hurt feelings, hurt egos, and probably some dumb words said that you can’t take back.
We still feel sore about it when we talk about that stupid time we kept score. So if you think you are funnier than your partner, and they think they are funnier than you, let it go, enjoy each other’s sense of humor and stop competing.
Who is The Better Partner?
Buying your lover a gift is a great idea, unless you are doing it to show your partner that you ARE the better half. If you feel as though you are buying your partner something just so that you can say you always buy them stuff – and that they never buy you stuff – then you are doing it for the wrong reason!
Buying gifts isn’t the only way to keep score this way. You may be keeping score about who takes the trash out more, who does more chores, who remembers important events better – and on and on the list goes. You could probably do this over just about anything!
Keeping score about who is the better partner will only make you upset. It will not change the way your partner does stuff or how well they remember events. It will not bring you more happiness in the relationship by proving how much you care about them. All it will do is drive you insane when you think about ALL the things you do and ALL the things your partner doesn’t do. And that’s not fair to them or to you!
Do things out of love for your partner, not because you want to one up them on how good of a partner you are. You will enjoy it much more and they will appreciate it much more.
I Sacrifice So Much!
If you have been keeping score just so you can play a victim in the relationship then you are in for a lot of heartache. Remembering every good thing you did for your partner or to your partner and throwing it in their face when you feel overwhelmed or needy is not the way to have a healthy and happy relationship. In fact, it’s the way to create a very bitter relationship.
You will become bitter because your partner doesn’t treat you the way you treat them, and they will become bitter because they will feel as though you only do things for them to throw it in their face later on.
Being a victim in life is never a good idea, but especially in a relationship. Your partner will only console you for so long before they start to give up on making you feel good (because they can’t) and either say nothing or leave the relationship completely.
If any of these 3 common ‘keeping score’ situations fit into your relationship then you need to fix it. You will never be happy in your relationship if you are always fighting for some sort of leverage in the relationship. A relationship is supposed to be about teamwork, and supporting each other – not outdoing each other!
About the Author: When she’s not trying to be funny, Bellaisa gives out relationship advice on her blog the Relationship Circle where you can read about some other common relationship killers.