Alcohol, drugs, affairs – these can all be trying issues in a marriage. But what about porn? Many individuals and couples watch internet porn alone or together and have no issues within their marriage. What if it does become an issue? How do you know? How do you handle it?
Can porn really be a problem in marriages?
According to a study from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers where divorce lawyers reported on the most striking factors present in the divorce cases they handled, 68% of divorce cases involve one party meeting a new lover over the Internet, and 56% of them involve one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.”1 “This survey was taken in 2003, nearly 10 years ago,” says Luke Gilkerson of Covenant Eyes, an internet accountability and filtering website. “How much has this problem increased in the last decade?”
For one woman, this is an issue that hits close to home. Linda has been married for 7 years – during this time her husband has been addicted to internet porn. “When we first married I had no idea how harmful pornography was,” Linda says. “I thought it was something we would be able to work on and get past with very little effort.”
In her newlywed years she realized just how serious internet porn addiction can be in a marriage: “As the wife of a porn addict, it is very difficult to distinguish what is real and what is a fantasy in our relationship. Intimacy was something I had always looked forward to in marriage, and instead it is something I feel I could do without.”
Can someone be addicted to internet porn?
According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula (“Dr. Ramani”), a clinical psychologist in private practice and a professor of psychology, “The world of porn addiction and sex addiction still needs a bit more evidence to support whether it meets a scientific addiction model. That said, anytime a person is unable to stop doing something that may be causing them or their relationships harm, thinks about it a lot, and gets a high or relief once they are able to engage in it – it certainly feels like an addiction so [therapists] will use some similar treatment techniques.”
Maybe if I was able to better satisfy my spouse sexually, porn wouldn’t be an issue
“No,” says Luke Gilkerson. “Pornography is a hyper-sexual fantasy experience, not just a ‘sexual experience.’” No one person, no matter how great in bed, can compete with a fantasy life. Dr. Ramani adds that this is “something we hear with all kinds of addictions (if you were nicer to me I wouldn’t drink so much).”
I think my spouse has an issue with porn. What do I do?
Dr. Ramani recommends discussing the issue with your spouse while refraining from accusations. Find an appropriate time to sit down and voice your concerns. “Ideally this is done using ‘I’ statements (instead of hurling accusations such as ‘you are a sick pervert watching porn all day.’ – more helpful is ‘I have noticed that you are watching porn and I feel uncomfortable, I would like to talk about this.’ By taking ownership – it can start the discussion.”
After we discuss it, how do we move forward?
Therapy with a licensed psychologist either as an individual or a couple is the next step. “Because there are so many issues – intimacy, sexuality, betrayal, communication – this isn’t something that can just be tackled in a casual way,” says Dr. Ramani. Especially with newlywed couples. “A new marriage already has its share of growing pains – this can be a significant challenge at this stage.”
Has internet porn been an issue in your marriage? How are you dealing with it?
1 Patrick F. Fagan. Qtd in “The Effects of Pornography on Individuals, Marriage, Family and Community.” Marriage & Religioius Inst., Family Research Council., Love & Responsibility Project: Center for Study of Catholic Higher Ed. Scribd. Web. 11 Dec. 2009. <http://www.scribd.com/doc/23930556/The-Effects-of-Pornography-on-Individuals-Marriage-Family-and-Community>.
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great post , very interesting
Excellent. We have Covenant Eyes installed. So many men have a problem with this but don’t want to stop or get help. It’s tearing marriages apart!
Thank you for commenting Kerrie. This really can be a difficult thing to get through in a marriage. I also want to point out that although the statistics may show that more men look at or have issues with porn, it is also something that women do, and that they can also get addicted.
I had never heard of Covenant Eyes before writing this article, glad to hear that it works for your household.
Glad Covenant Eyes is working for you!
It’s true: this issue is tearing many marriages apart. Every day I talk to women who are devastated because of this.
Covenant Eyes provides several free e-books to help people understand how porn impacts the lives of kids and adults, including Parenting the Internet Generation, Your Brain on Porn, and Porn and Your Husband. Check them out.
Dr. Ramani on Porn and Marriage. Internet Porn Addiction and Your Marriage http://t.co/0qGuMqSV via @newlywedsurvive
RT @NewlywedSurvive: RT @doctorramani: Dr. Ramani on Porn and Marriage. Internet Porn Addiction and Your Marriage http://t.co/LiOaUfT9 v …
many things can erode a healthy marriage. Thanks for writing about this topic
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